It’s Been Awhile

First, thanks so much for all the well wishes and to those who have checked in on me!  I’m humbled at the outpouring of concern and support and I appreciate it more than I have words to express.  This online IF community really is amazing.

Lots has happened, but I haven’t been in the mood to blog these past weeks.  Please forgive the bulleted post; without it I’d be all over the place.

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Okay, the period following my failed IVF was hellish!!  I have no idea why the doc wasn’t impressed with my lining because I bled for days on end.  The bleeding was heavy and, **TMI Alert** with clots.  After almost a week of this I was starting to get worried that something was wrong when the bleeding finally tapered off and stopped.  I also had cramps that didn’t respond to OTC meds and kept me up all night.  I was taking 600-800 mg of Ibu*profen, which only gave the cramps a good laugh at my naivete.  Thank goodness I still had some Vike. O. Den leftover from January’s lap because I was seriously considering an E.R. visit.  The Vike only took the edge off the cramps, but it was enough to allow me to get some rest.  This pain was worse than the pain from the lap and from the retrieval.  Unreal.

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I’m immersed in another project, which appears to be the way I roll: complete and total immersion.   (Read: Avoidance?)  It’s a great distraction at least, even if it contradicts my overall goal of balance.  It does, however, keep my mind off of things and pass the time more quickly.  I also get something accomplished instead of sitting around moping and eating.  Bonus, bonus, bonus.

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A few days after the BFN I read something somewhere about fertility being increased during the cycle following an IV*F and was inspired - what if?!  I had a hard time deciding whether or not to do another home insem this month, but after forgetting to POAS for the fert. monitor enough times I figured that my heart just wasn’t into it, decided to skip it, and immediately felt better.  C’est la vie.

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I had deplorable eating habits the past several months and it showed.  I was bloated and tired and none of my clothes fit.  It took some serious digging deep, but I’m back on track for healthy living - eating well and exercising regularly.  I feel really good.  My goal is to take care of my body the way I wanted to leading up to the first I.V*F so that I’ll feel mentally and physically ready for the next cycle.  I want this next cycle to be as relaxed and low key as possible.

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I’ve been doing better on the home project front, but not much.  I’ve realized that I don’t like doing home projects; just plain don’t like ‘em.  Alas, they are a necessary evil and when you own your home (and need to get some stuff done to pass the home safety check for fost adopt certification) the list of projects is neverending.  So I will get over it and get to it. 

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I completed my last fost-adopt class.  Left to complete before certification:  1) get the rest of the home safety check done; and 2) get the home study approved.  I even took a look at some books featuring children who are cleared for adoption.  OMG, what a sad set of reading that was!  It was eye opening to realize how rough these children have it.  I couldn’t handle half of what they’ve been through and I’m supposedly a grown up.  The entire experience reaffirmed for me how much I want to be pg.  I did signal interest in one little boy, but I think my chances are slim because he’s an infant with no known mental or physical problems.  I’m sure he will be placed quickly without much effort. 

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I’m switching clinics.  “Yikes!  Where did that come from,” you say?  Something about the past cycle - the great response to meds, the good fertilization, but only two mid-grade blasts and nothing left to freeze - just didn’t sit well with me.  I have been pissed at the clinic for the past several weeks and haven’t had any desire to keep my my follow up appointment only to be told that my old ass eggs were at fault.  Eff that!  So today I had a consultation with another clinic and I like what the new doc has to say.  I’m not sure if my results at the new place will be any better or different, but I do know that I would never forgive myself if I did another cycle at the old clinic and got the same result.  And - bonus! - new doc (we’ll call him Doc Nice Guy) doesn’t prescribe supp.ositories!  Instead of E2 supps he uses Vi*velle patches.   He doesn’t use the P4 supps in IV*F at all, just the PIO shots.  Plus, he recommends a lower dosage of medications for me (especially Men0pur) and some other things that I agree with.  He said that the low number of embryos could have been a result of the wrong mix of meds or too high of a dose.  He did caution me about potential egg quality issues and made a good case for PG*D (pre-genetic implantati.on diagno.sis) without recommending it or pushing it.  My consultation was only supposed to last an hour, but it took about two.  Awesome. 

The only question that remains is when to start.  I’ve decided to continue the TTC break and the healthy eating for a few more weeks instead of trying to rush into another cycle in August.  So September it is.  I’ll stick with the long Lu*pron protocol.  Doc Nice Guy said that it didn’t oversuppress me and believes its results are pretty similar to the antagonist cycle results (for most people).

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So there you have it:  my update.  I am fine, but somewhat worse for the wear.  Down but not completely beaten.  Realistic, but hopeful.  Discouraged, but stubborn.  Determined, but scared.

I don’t know when you’ll hear from me next, but I will do my best with commenting.  Please know that I’ve been following all of your journeys even though words have been failing me lately.  Hopefully they’ll come back soon. 

Big hugs and much love to you all.

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“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.” - Robert Fritz

Coping

Thanks so much for all the support. 

I’m relatively okay as long as I’m not thinking about it.  Talking about it brings me to tears.  All the sympathy brings me to tears.  Mostly I’m just tired and sad, but not surprised.  Sometimes I hate being right.

I had to go into a very important meeting at 3:00 this afternoon, so it was hard to focus and follow the conversation.  My gift/curse of compartmentalizing usually comes in handy, but even that wasn’t in full force this afternoon. 

I’m working on accepting the possibility that this may not ever work.  It’s just really hard, especially when I also worry and wonder about what injecting all of these medications is doing to my longterm health.  But then I think, “Well shit, I’ve come this far.  Might as well try it again.” 

The “do something” part of my personality kicks in and says that I need to focus on getting back into shape, taking care of all of these lingering home projects, going for more acupuncture, and practicing meditation.  Something, anything, to make the most out of this next cycle; the cycle that may just be the final one. 

I’m not quite ready to let go of TTC.  I consider trying more IUIs or home insems, but then I wonder if they’re just a waste of time with my clotting disorder.  Who knows.  All I know is that I’m not done yet.  If you have any leftover meds just sitting around that you don’t know what to do with, I’ll happily give them a nice home.

I left work after my meeting having decided on Hawaiian B*BQ for dinner.  I also dove into a nice bottle of wine.  The BBQ was overpriced and fatty and the wine didn’t taste good.  I drank a couple glasses anyway.  It’s just after 7:00, time for my evening shot, but not tonight.  Not for a while.

I don’t know how much you’ll hear from me in the coming weeks.  I’m sure I’ll still be reading and commenting some, but please don’t take it personally if you don’t hear much from me. 

Thanks again.  Love yous.